When Did I Become The Cowardly Lion?

I used to be pretty brave. I’d pretty much do anything and go anywhere-not a problem. The more something scared me, the more I wanted to try it out because I’ve always felt that the best things come from challenging myself and living outside of my comfort zones. However, somewhere along the line, something changed. Somewhere along the line, I’ve become a coward. 

This past week, I was offered an amazing interview, and I knew I had a problem because I was doubting whether I’d be able to accept the job. And the job is pretty amazing. It’s the type of legal work I want to do, on a tropical island. Thankfully, I had people knock some sense into me and in a few days, I will be hopping on a plane to go to that interview.  I never thought that my job search would take me to a tropical island but this could be a life-changing opportunity. In the very least, it will be a mini-vacation to an island. And I was thinking about turning the interview down? And why- because of fear?

They say that recognizing you have a problem is the first step, right?  

This experience has made me notice that I’m living in a pessimistic place right now and I need to work on breaking out of that. I shouldn’t let this economic climate affect me that much. I know that this past year of unemployment and underemployment has taken a real shot to my self-esteem. And this is kind of ridiculous. So much of this year has been dictated by forces outside of my control. I shouldn’t be taking responsibility for the fact that greedy people f-ed things up for everyone, making it impossible to find a decent job. But apparently, I am letting it get to me. Anyhow, I am actively trying to get over this. I need stop being a coward and I need to start believing in myself again. Being on a tropical island should help.

Code Red

Unemployment is truly amazing. When I should be worried about how I’m going to get a secure job, how I’m going to pay my rent, how I’ll ever get the money together to pay my student bills,  or even what I’ll make for dinner tonight, instead I’m more concerned about a true emergency situation: my remote control is refusing to control my cable box. The situation is getting pretty dire-either the remote control will have to magically fix itself, or pretty  soon I’ll have to watch day time soaps. 

Unemployment gives you plenty of time to think about priorities. I think mine are pretty much in check, wouldn’t you say?

No, really, I’m very happy for you…..really

Why is it that sometimes it’s so hard to be genuinely happy for other people? 

I haven’t always had a problem with this. Normally, I can be genuinely happy for the successes of my family and friends. However, ever since I graduated from law school, unemployed and penniless, I’ve had a really hard time talking to people who’ve had better luck than I with securing post-graduation employment. I’ll be completely honest and say many times I don’t feel comfortable talking to some people because I don’t want to ask about how things are going at work because I can’t handle the comparison with my own life. I don’t want to hear people with steady employment in good jobs talking about how much they love love love their life. For some reason, I just can’t get beyond the ego-centric “it’s not fair” mentality when I hear about other people’s successes right now. And this totally isn’t fair because when things start to go right for me, you better believe I want my family and friends to be happy for me.  

This is all so completely selfish. I need to switch it up. I need to flip the switch and start focusing on the positive and remember that no matter what happens, it could be worse. Because it totally could. 

I wonder if this ego-centric self-pity is a normal reaction to this recession based unemployment or if I’m just a rare breed of narcissist?

 

Update: I’ve added two new pages that will help me remember that (1) It could be worse, and (2) I need to focus on the positive. If anyone has suggestions to add to these new pages, let me know! 

Thank You India

My older brother is one of the only people I know who is still succeeding in this market. And I’m really happy for him. Really, I am. Partly because his company is still hiring! Yes, you didn’t read that wrong, I did say hiring. I figure that tons of lawyers get their first big break from exploiting family connections to get a job-why shouldn’t I exploit my brother’s position at his company to get a job, too? And you know what-it worked! I’m not doing anything glamorous. It’s only a temp position that will get me by while I look for a job, but it’s really nice to have access to a paycheck during the job hunt. And I can work from home. Which is AMAZING. I don’t even care how mind numbingly boring the work is-because I can do it while I catch up on all my favorite TV shows. 

So, thank you brother for interceding at your office and stopping the outsourcing of this particular job to India. Now I don’t have to call one of those signs posted at every corner where you can “work from home and earn $200,000”.